Bulosan, Micah
November 2009
Raves & Clubbing
Rough Draft
Teen age life is basically the process and transition from breaking the innocence and transforming into an adolescent. Throughout this transition teens go through many obstacles, from making decisions, choosing the right one, and the “after-effect” of the wrong decision. This all ties into consequences. One of the new “fads” of the 21st century for teens is raving & clubbing.
Teen raving and clubbing have the same type of environment, but raving is the new type of clubbing for teens. With catchy techno music, variety of sexuality, cool dance moves, and friendly invites raving draws any age to it. This is a place where teens like to “be themselves” and “kick-back”, aside from stress at school and home. These raves are usually held on late Friday nights and weekends. Drugs and alcohol are kept secret throughout the rave, since it’s illegal. Because these teens are so connected and friendly, they create that amount of trust and comfort toward each other, which makes the process of peer pressure easy to try a “drag” of weed or to sip “some” chasers.
But it isn’t only just about the drugs and alcohol. Teens also go there for hook-ups and sexual activity causing date rape, rape, one night stands, and even pregnancy. Obviously this type of environment is exposed to a more adolescent foundation. Now what happens when teens make the wrong decision?
When teens hear the word “consequence” it just goes in one ear out the other knowing and neglecting the fact that they’re going to have fun. But most wrong decisions made, the end results are negative. Why? Because, getting caught in any illegal activity, especially from police, leaves long term effects. From getting grounded to spending jail time, it’s still a consequence. Even getting pregnant seems like a consequence because they made the wrong decision of having sex and now the long-term effect is taking care of an upcoming infant that doesn’t know anything, that doesn’t have a healthily foundation, and that doesn’t know that it was created by “accident”.
Lives are at stake, not to only teens but the future of premarital infants. Having fun doesn’t always mean to go out to a rave or club and doing careless mistakes. Fun comes in difference shapes and sizes The choice is theirs and making the right decision comes in part of the process and transition of growing up.
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Great job on your post Micah :)
ReplyDeletei liked your ideas and how you strongly expressed them through voice. It sounded very good :)
you should work on your sentence fluency just a little tiny bit. There are some run on sentences and sentences that can have some detail in it.
Other than that great job again !
<3,
daphnejayne
Micah,
ReplyDeleteYou did a pretty good job on your essay and you stated many facts.
I really liked how you opened up in the first paragraph about teens are their transitions to adult hood which can lead to going to raves and stuff. But you should add a little bit more about raving rather than just a sentence.
You should also fix the paragraph that talks about consenqences and add an example about raving.
But over-all it was a good essay.
cynthia
HI Micah,
ReplyDeleteFirst my assessment of the comments. Although I'm glad that you "stepped up" to provide commentary, Daphne and Cynthia, your comments are still at the level of "approaching" standards. For one thing, you've missed a very important element for commentary: What is the thesis in the essay? Without an argumentative thesis, sentence fluency does not mean very much.
So...about the essay...I'm not sure where the pro-con argument is. You've presented information about the hazards of raves and clubbing and how they result in bad decisions by teens, but would anyone argue against you? You need to have a valid con for your pro con essay to succeed.
For your revision, find where the argument lies. Perhaps think of it like your angry letter assignment--what do you think should be done about raves and clubs and why? Who would you have to convince, and how? Then format your ideas into a pro con essay.
Let me know if you have questions.
mrs s